Am I the last person on Earth to see this?

Aren’t these just awesome?
I wish they were real! You can find them here.

Talking to some one who isn’t on your nerd level can be hazardous. If you say something too nerdy, you might scare them away. Or if it’s not nerdy enough, you might be boring. Depending on the type of woman you are speaking to, different things could be running through her mind. This break down might help you get that needed inside scoop.

You say: I like computers.
Girly Girl thinks: No real friends so friends with his computer.
In Between Girl thinks: Me too.
Nerd Girl thinks: Yeah but do you know anything about them?

You say: I am a Peoplesoft Technical Implementation Manager.
Girly Girl thinks: What?
In Between Girl thinks: Sounds okay.
Nerd Girl thinks: *bow*

You say: Put shoe on head.
Girly Girl thinks: You are SO weird.
In Between Girl thinks: Put hat on feet? What?
Nerd Girl thinks: I’m not a whore.

You ask: Are those real?
Girly Girl thinks: Bastard!
In Between Girl thinks: Bastard!
Nerd Gil SAYS: No, they are CGI, Bastard!

You say: I like to play WoW.
Girly Girl thinks: What’s that?
In Between Girl thinks: Oh I love Rock Band!
Nerd Girl thinks: Who doesn’t?

You say: 1337!
Girly Girl thinks: What?
In Between Girl thinks: Leet!
Nerd Girl thinks: 00110001 00110011 00110011 00110111!

You ask: I’m sorry to hear your computer is broken, what’s wrong?
Girly Girl thinks: I don’t know. I must have a virus!
In Between Girl thinks: Stupid power supply is shot.
Nerd Girl thinks: I installed GRUB to the MBR, but I can’t admit that.

You say: I only make [insert large sum] a year. Once I get [insert x certification] I should make double that.
Girly Girl thinks: Ah so you want to spend all your money on me and my friends.
In Between Girl thinks: I wish I was smart enough to make that much.
Nerd Girl thinks: Cha! Yeah, I did that in high school.

You say: Ew, Goatse!
Girly Girl thinks: Goats are cute!
In Between Girl thinks: Isn’t that like 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Nerd Girl thinks: That’s nothing, you should see Lemon Party.

You ask: Why do you want to name your kid that?
Girly Girl thinks: Oh cause that’s the name of Jamie Lynn Spears’ son.
In Between Girl thinks: Cause I like it.
Nerd Girl thinks: It’s after my most admired developer.

You say: I own a MacBook.
Girly Girl thinks: Oh  my gosh!!! I love those! They are so cute and so muh better than anything else.
In Between Girl thinks: But you have a PC for all your normal stuff, right?
Nerd Girl thinks: Why?

You say: You’ve been roll’d! Lawls.
Girly Girl thinks: What?
In Between Girl thinks: Oh hahaha, you got me!
Nerd Girl thinks: Ew, go away. I don’t talk to 12 year old boys.

You ask: Who are you voting for?
Girly Girl thinks: I don’t know. Whoever is cuter.
In Between Girl thinks: Oboama
Nerd Girl thinks: What’s the point? My state’s electoral vote is going to McCain and I’m moving to Canada anyway.

You say: Do a barrel roll!
Girly Girl thinks: Huh? No you jackass!
In between Girl thinks: I pressed Z twice!
Nerd Girl thinks: Ha, my dog can do that.

iPod Customer = PC owner. Not technology-tarded. Has learned to think for themselves.

Mac Customer = Mac owner. Technology-tarded. Doesn’t know how to work a computer or want to learn how.

I am an iPod Customer. I wanted to buy an mp3 player. Because I am so seemingly hip and awesome (stupid) I bought an iPod Nano. Yes, I got 4GB of space for the price of 512K, but its pink sleek body makes me look cool at the gym.

I have never dropped my iPod. I have never “hacked” it. I have never spilled something on it. I’ve hardly even used it (simply because I am too lazy to pull out cables, open iTunes, let it take forever to load, blah blah blah). I have treated this object better than myself keeping it tucked away in a savvy even hipper silicone case. Then IT happened.

I enjoyed 30 minutes of music, turned it off to occupy myself with some other busy activity, and went to turn it back on. I know what you’re thinking, “Well obviously it didn’t turn on and so you think Apple is lame because something just happened to break in your hands.” You are right. Almost. It didn’t turn on. “Aw, that effin blows! Maybe by some freak accident the screen went out or the battery has narcolepsy. I’ll just plug it into my computer and wake it up!” Nope.

I was disappointed, but I know technology and I know shit happens. I could get it repaired, but would it be worth it? Should I buy another disaster? Should I just buy a Zune? *Cringe* Hmm, I’ll explore my options. How much will it cost me to fix my pink pretty? Easy question? Ha! If you said yes, you don’t know Apple. I sure didn’t.

Today I had to call off work because of a series of unfortunate events (not nearly as cute as the book) and so while I was out and about saving the planet I thought I would catch this Apple falling from the tree. The closest Apple store to my apartment is about 30 minutes away. Not a heart breaker but I don’t own a gas fairy.

I struggled to find the Apple store. Found it. Sigh of relief. Sigh of annoyance. There is a greeter. I know they are supposed to help, but they just piss me off even more. Here is how our short interaction went:

Trendy MacTard: Hi! How can I help you?
Cute Geeky Girl: My iPod is broken and I–
Trendy MacTard: Do you have an appointment?
Cute Geeky Girl: No?
Trendy MacTard: Well you need to make an appointment with the Genius Bar. It’s really easy you can do it online on any computer at www.macannoyance.com. (He proceeds to walk me to a MacBook) You will need to make the appointment two days out. (Bridge troll must have missed his spot since he tried to jolt back to the front door)
Cute Geeky Girl: Are you serious? That sucks! Do you have a chart, handout, or pamphlet on repair costs?
Trendy MacTard: (Dumbfounded) No. It depends on what it wrong with it and what it will take for them to fix it. But they will take care of you.
Cute Geeky Girl: Do you have any sort of troubleshooting steps online?
Trendy MacTard: Yes, they have some online. (and runs away like a little girl)

I understand computer support. I do computer support. It sucks. I get it. But why in the universe would I make an appointment to pay someone to fix said electronic? I can wait on hold. I can wait in line. That is normal. These MacTards are not my doctor. Why are they so holy that I must work around their convenience? This is just an iPod. What if I had a big presentation due that was stored on my magically perfect MacBook? And to think, I was almost converted.

Like I said, I know tech support. I know what will happen when I finally get to talk to Einstein MacTard. If he is a little less tarded than his coworkers, he may just give me an estimate. I will walk away, consider it, and never buy an Apple product again.

After my gallop through the Apple orchard I decided to hit up Google and see if anyone else had experienced this. Sure enough, the internet is filled with abused appointment makers all blogging about their glorious day trip to happy Apple town. I should have seen it coming. I have had to call Apple support before. My success rate, zero. Every single time I was spoken down to, and every single time I got so angry I hung up. Imagine that, a computer technician that started out her career on the phones got so fed up that she hung up? I sympathize with these people, it can be hard work. It takes A LOT to get me that upset because I have been trained on how to keep my cool over the phone. How can Apple get away with treating people like this.

I know that was a lot to read, and I thank you for hearing through my endeavors and dealing with my smelly grammar. If you are a Googler who got stuck in the same situation, I am so sorry. If I had the money, I would fly you a brand spankin new 100GB iPod Touch in a private hydrogen powered jet plated in unicorn horn ivory. I feel your pain, mate. Here, have an ehug. Unless leprechauns appear at the Apple store tomorrow I hereby dub this blog an Apple Unfanboy Zone and future Apple posts shall wreak of negativity. If you are a geeky girl who loves Apple, check out GeekSugar.com. That website is so crappy it’s not even worth hyperlinking to. It is very Apple biased and the writer (Harvard grad and Google intern) thinks a mobo does not effect the processing speed of a computer. Which is one reason why Mac Customer = Technology-tarded. Don’t worry your little head, I’ll be sure to post more examples later.